Sunday, March 27, 2011

Hello, my name is Alan

I'm never quite sure how to introduce myself. I'm brutally honest, and most people don't take too kindly to that. Well, I suppose that's a start, isn't it? Let's see... I was born in Roman Britain, during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Yes, I realize this makes me nearly 2000 years old. And, yes, I realize you think that's impossible. But that's your problem, not mine.

I live out in the Texas hill country, near Enchanted Rock, in a place we call the Big House. That all started because the girls were watching Monarch of the Glen, and they thought it would be cool to call our house the "big house" like in the show. Teenagers.... But, I suppose it makes sense to call it the Big House. It is ridiculously big. We could have 150 people live here quite comfortably. Our house sits on a very large piece of land, and is completely self-sufficient... well... almost. Our herds aren't quite large enough yet to eat them and have them be sustainable. So, we still have to go into town for meat. But otherwise, we're completely off the grid.

Hmm... that last paragraph really wasn't about me at all, was it? Well, what else do you want to know? I'm about 5'10" and have a slender-ish athletic build. I have long black hair and blue eyes. I like long, romantic walks on the beach... Nah! I'm not too fond of beaches. The sand gets in too many uncomfortable places. I do have some hopeless romantic tendencies. But I am also very practical. I am not a fan of the popular notions of love, the kind that produce such idiotic sayings as, "You complete me," "I can't live without you," and "Love means never having to say you're sorry." People have this ridiculous idea that one day they will meet that one special person who will meet all their needs and desires for the rest of their life, will fix all their personal problems simply by being in a relationship together, and will be the primary source of happiness and fulfillment in their life. What a load of bullshit! Having such impossible assumptions about relationships is the main reason why so many of them fail.

That's another thing about me: I have no tolerance for bullshit. I don't have the time or energy to deal with lies and drama. If you fuck with me, you'll get an ear-full at the very least. But if you persist, I'll just ignore you.

I wonder if I should go ahead and tell you about my family. You see, it's rather unconventional. But, I think it'd be fun to keep you guessing. No doubt you'll figure it all out eventually.


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