New Girl in the House

Well, sort of. My name is Aria, and I have just moved (back) into the Big House with my husband Lance, my five year old daughter, my 15 year old sister Alyn, and my 15 year old cousin Michael. Nona and I have been good friends since we were kids. She's like a sister to me.

What's most unusual about this situation is Michael. His parents are very conservative fundamentalist Christians, and he has had a very sheltered life. His parents felt that they were called to go on a mission trip to a war zone, but they did not feel that it was safe enough to bring their son, so the left him in my care. I warned them that I was moving into a large house with some friends, and they were already aware of our religious differences, but they still felt that I was the most responsible of their relatives and best suited to take care of Michael. Whatever... I guess this means The Girls finally have someone new to corrupt.

~~Aria

Overcoming Jealousy: Drak

I have never been under the assumption that I own my wife. I know full well that it's the other way around.

I first met Myst when she took me prisoner during one of the many raids I and my Saxon brethren made in Britain. Those wars are long since past, but after that we got married, so I suppose I'm still a prisoner of war (at least according to some). She was already involved with Alan at that time, however the point at which they became "married" is still up for debate.

Given our unusual circumstances, I can't say I've experienced jealousy in the traditional sense. I have more often envied Alan's skills with a sword, than with... well... a "sword." Each of us has our own talents. Instead of dwelling on what other's have that I do not, I prefer to focus on what I do have. As the saying goes, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

~~Drak

Coming and going

So, Cambria and Brendan will be gone for a few months, and so they will not be posting. I realize neither of them have posted anything yet anyway, but I didn't want any of you holding your breath for it (trust me, dying's not much fun).

But, we do have some new people moving in with us. Aria, her husband Lance, their daughter, and their cousin, Michael. This is going to be fun! Michael's parents are really conservative Christians, so we'll likely terrify him. I love corrupting good little Christian children!

~~Myst

Overcoming Jealousy: Kevin

I find it rather ironic that Irene's post about communication was so short. But back on topic....

I find it's very important to be secure in yourself. Often jealousy issues can stem from a fear of not being good enough and being abandoned. The common thought process goes something like this: "If we see other people, he might find someone better than me and leave me." This line of thinking is caused by a lack of confidence. If you're confident, many of those fears about being left for someone "better" go away because you know that you have value and cannot simply be replaced. And, if you recognize that each person is unique and valuable, you can better understand how your partner's other partner(s) enrich their lives.

~~Kevin

Overcoming Jealousy: Irene

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

And then communicate some more.

~~Irene

Overcoming Jealousy: Nona

Hmm... I feel like I don't have much to say. Most of the good advice has already been taken.

I will say this. Don't be afraid to acknowledge your feelings. If you're feeling jealous, recognize that. You certainly can't do anything to fix it if you don't accept that it's happening. And don't be afraid to express your feelings. Expressing how you feel is the surest way to get something positive done about it.

~~Nona

Overcoming Jealousy: Terri

Whenever I introduce myself as Alan's third wife, people give me funny looks. Usually their first assumption is that Alan has been divorced twice, and they wonder why I would announce such a thing. If they're still listening after I've explained to them that he's still married to his first two wives, and that we're not Mormon, they usually ask if I get jealous because I'm the third wife.

I'm Alan's third wife only in chronological order. None of us are better or more important than the others. Yet people see to have this idea that we have ranks. They often ask things like, "Don't you worry that he loves one of you more than the others?" The answer: No.

Many people see love like water in the desert. You only have so much, and the more people you give it to, the less each person gets (or one gets a lot and the others get little). Try telling that to a parent. I doubt you could find a single parent in the world who would say that when they have another child that they love each child a little less.

Love is not limited. However, time and energy are, and I think that's where people get confused. They equate time and energy with love. Granted, if you love someone, you will make time for them. But that doesn't mean that doesn't mean that Alan loves me any less because he chooses to spends some of his time with other people.

It helps to understand that you are not the only person in your partner's life. Friends, family, kids, work. We all have things that divide up our time. Even in a monogamous relationship, you can't give 100% of your time to one person. So, it's important to think about how much attention you actually need, and to communicate with your partner(s) about that. If I feel like I'm not getting to spend enough time with Alan, all I have to do is talk to him about it and we can work out a solution.

Jealousy, in the sense of wanting something someone else has, happens. But recognizing that we're human, that limits on time and energy are not the same as limits on love, and with good communication, you can work past it.

~~Terri